I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
