I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Who put my cat in the fridge?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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