meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
