things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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