I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
