she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
