Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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