dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
