highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
