but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
