Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize