She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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