so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
