I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Still dying that you shit outside
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
