just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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