Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
