Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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