You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
