He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
