i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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