I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
