woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week š
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
The Wolf of Wall Street āI aināt fuckinā leaving!ā speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chrisā for a quickie. Broke a high heel and thereās jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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