im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
