Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
