The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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