i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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