yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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