just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
