My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize