What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
