He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
