Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
