My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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