watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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