you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
