It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
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