my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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