Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
