If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
