she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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