Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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