she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
