Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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