I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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