i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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