Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
two words: eviction party
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
