To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
