its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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