I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
