There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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