I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
