I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
