she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
