Where is the hickey?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
