uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
