I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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