4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
